Mean Girls Part One

"Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore! You're plastic! Cold, shiny, hard plastic!"
[from mean girls]

Books, for the longest time, were my friends. I grew up a chubby girl and elementary school was no treat for me. I did not really have a friend until seventh grade. Before that I only had bullies and my books. I would read and imagine being pretty and funny and charming and having boys go bananas over me. I wanted to be glamorous and have so many friends I could not even remember all of their names. In seventh grade, I was in the honors composition and the honors reading class. I shared these two classes with the John Griffin Queen Bee. J was amazingly evil, cunning, smart, and beautiful. She was so perfect and evil that you desperately wanted to, if not be like her, be her number one friend.
To be in with them you have to be able to offer them something they could not have without you. I could not offer much. I wanted popularity though and since there was no Glinda ready to sing and dance and make me over I had to do it myself. I started raising my hand less in class. I started wearing my long hair down instead of in a librarian bun. I started to pick up some of my dads humor.
I never really noticed until I was thirteen that my father is like a one-man show. When he is out and about he is a strong and powerful beast of man you would not want to fuck with. He calls kids "buddy", "chief", "pal" and other condescending names like that. When he is with his friends he is a goofy ball. He is the center of everything. He is funny and likable. When he is at home or at work he is the head hauncho. He is always making rules. He keeps things in order. He has so many layers.
I decide to start the Heather show. Within two weeks, she called my house. Within one month, I was her new go-to girl. Within two months, boys starting talking to me for more than the answers to the homework. I felt on top of the world.
Soon enough I realized I could get people to really open up to me. I have heard the phrase "I have never been able to talk about this with anyone else before" and other examples of it many times. I figured out my keepable quality (because let's get real, it is hard to always have to be making people laugh. you also have to keep working on new material. it is tiring!) was getting dirt on people the Queen J did not like.

This would end up being the worst thing I learned about myself.

From about fourteen one, I lead this double life. One moment I was talking to the 'losers' trying to get something juicy out of them. The next moment I was sucking up to the Queen (whoever it would be at the time being) and spreading around people's lives to everyone with a hungry ear.

[because of the length I am going to post the rest of this tomorrow, unless y'all don't care. lol.]