Fights & Fantasies

The sound of his fingers hitting small keys like a Neanderthal woke me up again from the half-asleep world I was in. My foot knocks over a bottle of Jack Daniel's and Jon growls at me. I try to close my eyes and have one of those Justin Timberlake fantasies that used to block out the sound of my mother and father fighting. (Yes, me and Justin go back a long way.)

(look i know i am really bad with photoshop, paint and all that and that is a picture of me from junior prom when i was sixteen. lol.)

No dice. He left his phone on vibrate so every three seconds (I wish I were using a hyperbole to liven up this story. i'm not. within a month he has sent over two-thousand text, and none of those to me.) I would hear his phone go off. I have yet to sleep. It is noon. I have already done everything I can think of doing to put me asleep, including taking a brisk jog thinking that with my chunky body the jog would make me pass out when I got home. Apparently, the Gods of Sleep are quite ticked off with me.

(this guy in the red got eternal sleep from the Gods. are you serious?)

I can feel every bone in my body tense up and become sore. He lounges on the bed, just drinking a soda and texting. (Iam reminded of those slumber parties I would go to that were so boring that I would have been able to sleep if I wasn't on the floor.) I am so furious I actually fall asleep for an hour. This is the first time an extreme bit of anger has actually helped me.
I wake up as he is getting ready to go to work. Our fight from ten o'clock in the morning still ringing in my ears. "Stop being so selfish. All you do is think about yourself! I am the one who works! I AM! I NEED MY SLEEP!" I had to stifle back a laugh the whole time. He was the on who kept himself up. I knew me saying that would not help so I just sat there. Staring out into space, repeating in my head think Paris Hilton ---- I have no common sense ----- I don't know what you're saying. All I do is walk around in a pathetic excuse for clothing and say dumb shit like 'That's hot'.
Maybe he knew what I was doing because he looked at me and said something about not being blond anymore and how I need to be mature. Then, he left to. Silence, ah, felt so good. I moved up to the bed, turn on "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley (because when I am feeling down that is my tune, back off!), and enter my head.

(imagine that each piece of confetti is a different topic in my mind. i know, that's a lot going on.)

In confetti world, I have one foot in the 'fantasies' section and one foot in the 'employment' section. Half of me is praying that I will be able to get a job. (A friend of mine is trying to help me get a job at another store in the company I used to work for. I could get it but, supposidly, I offened the area manager one time. So the store manager can hire me, but until the A.M. goes along with this, she will get shit and that store can't afford to get shit from any more higher ups.) The other half of me is thinking about sex. Sex has been on my mind recently. I get embarassed to talk about 'it' but I figured if I can have 'it' then I should be able to talk about 'it'.
As it is obvious from the story above I am having some problems with my boyfriend. We were having some problems I guess in the summer, they died down, and once I lost my job we starting having more problems. He is always saying how since he is the only one making money now my opinion does not count. I counter with the fact that when I made money I did not make 'enough' for my opinion to count. Then, it is just school-yard name calling and I end up taking an hour walk around the neighborhood (normally with me now calling my closest friend Alisha crying and asking why can't my boyfriend chill out?! why?!) and smoke more than the average amount of cigarettes.
It is clear that my mind is going in bad girl mode. My eyes linger on men more in public. I answer text from guys now, whereas before I did not want Jon to think anything so I would not really have guy friends. Now, I am heavily texting a guy who has a known thing for me (the one helping me get a job now) and I do not feel guilty about it. I keep having fantasies too. I always had my few private Jt&Me dreams. This was nothing new, hello twelve years old on. My fantasies have drastically escalated though. The problem is I, seriously, have at least one fantasy every night now, and they are about guys I know. It is not about a dream man that I will even see in person, let alone feel the warmth of. I can feel myself distancing myself away from him, not that it is hard. I joked with Alisha that I could have a secret life and he would not know. I made it sound funny, but it kills me to know the truth.
I gave him everything. I helped him through a lot. I always put him first above everything. I treated him the way you are supposed to treat someone you 'love'. I never got that in return. I want to just move on. I have other places I could stay. I have options, but I just keep hoping that the guy I decided to move in with will come home one, not the guy that is with me now.