For, at least, ten years I have seen my mother cry. I have seen my father claim he is never coming back. My mother has told me about the cheating. My father has told my mother he does not love her. I have seen too much since I was, about, nine. You would think I would learn from all of this?
I do not want to be like my mother. I do not want to try to convince a man to love me back for the rest of my life. I would rather lose someone I love and hopefully find a new love later on in life. I like to think it is never too late. I always told my mother that.
Yet, here I am (in all the infinite wisdom a person of my age believes they posses) laying in the arms of the man I love that I am not with anymore because he has feelings for someone else. This girl is out for him too. She has written him a poem. Jon had enough nerve to tell me she is a 'writer' and she is, basically, better than me. Ouch, that hit a sensitive spot. Twenty minutes later, we are holding each other kissing.
It is hard to lay there next to him and listen to him snore, while holding me, wondering if he is dreaming of her. I know they talk all the time. They have even kissed once, on sunday when they worked together. They worked together again today and all day I had to sleep so my mind would not flip out. I know they are not dating. I know that much, but still. I cannot take this.
Tonight, I decided not to sleep in the same bed as him. I go into the other room and turn on my zune (eh, fuck zune) and the first song that comes on shuffle is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. If that song does not hit home.....
So now i'm thinking: maybe I should move back in with my folks. Maybe I should fix some of the mistakes I made while I am still young and have time. Maybe I should just give up on him now before the wounds get any deeper. I do not know. I am so half and half on this. I am really confused, yet I am so sick of spending all day crying. Or pretending that I am really okay. I know in the future I will be okay, but right now it's shit.
The song that just got stuck in my head: "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.
3 comments:
save yourself... for your sake... you know what the right thing to do is... fill your boots and save yourself...
you're more than young, you have all the time in the world to find that special someone. at least you can say you've felt love once. there's no hurry to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, that's why we have until forever to pick who we want to share our life with, so we won't make a bad choice.
My parents married right out high-school too.
Kelly C's song: Because of You, I know exactly what you mean by it hitting home.
Don't assume just because your parents had problems you too will have relationship problems. You are separate entity. Too many times we often base our lives/relationships on others. For example if your parents are divorced it doesn't mean that you will be divorced too. I believe in true love and that we all have a soul mate. Just as you are thinking about him, he too is thinking about you!!
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
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