My dreams have always been out there, to say the least. I have my on-going fantasies of the life me and Justin Timberlake will one day share. I used to have strange dreams of this giant work house (yes, half of the building was a domicile and the other half was my old job) and me and my co-workers would go on adventures. I have had dreams about men that I should never have had any dreams of. I have had bizarre nightmares where this television alien creature from my childhood would try to kill me. Point is: my imagination is more active than the va-jay-jay, mouth, and hands of the busiest prostitute in the world.
The past week I find myself having the same dream over and over. I will not share the dream right now, unless y'all ask. I will only share what I learned from this dream.
When I wake up I try not to think of this dream but earlier I was forced to figure it out. I was listening to this song on the Wicked soundtrack and the meaning of my dream was pushed upon me. The song is called "Thank Goodness" and this is the part that helps me figure out my dream:
"And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?"
Two weeks ago if you would have asked me if I had everything I wanted, I would have smiled and loudly exclaimed that I did. Second guessing is horrible in this situation. I participated in some actions that I am not proud of now. At the time I thought it was smart, because I thought I was going after the right thing. I destroyed another girl's heart for something I thought I wanted. She would have taken him for everything he was, is, and will never be. I keep thinking he'll be something better. I always forget how people will not change for you, they change for themselves. The girl's parents are now making her life hell because I leaked everything hoping she'd feel an ounce of what those two made me feel.
Where did it get me though? I got everything I wanted. I have him. I am far away from the people I used to work with that treated me like dirt. I am away from the place I gave my soul. I am miles from the family I have never felt a part of. I now have a family I feel like I belong to. I am going to school starting Tuesday. I am getting everything I wanted, and to top that off I have the man I scream out that I love.
I heard it took at least a month to get him to the point of asking her out. That same day that they started dating was the day I broke up with him. She thought I was the one that was going through hell. I want to ask her so badly: who really got cheated on? It was not me. I may have heard them screw each other but I was single. I may have been hurt at first. I mean the audacity on both their parts was tremendous. Then I have realized that I never went through what she had to go through. She was the one played. I was never played the way Jon played her. I made sure she knew it.
Oh it was terribly easy. She was foolish and left a trail that could connect crimes to her. She let her hatred for me sing to loudly to Jon. I was so quiet and so skillful in my deeds that it almost scared me. I would give her the shovel and the casket; she finished herself off.
It was too easy to make me happy in the end. For now I realize, he was not the prize I wanted. I loved him. I do not anymore. He is a comfort level. I enjoy his company, both decent and under the sheets. I stopped putting my faith in him. The more his parents talk to me, the more I realize that he is unchanging. He is this wretched constant. I hate him for it, yet I envy how he can stay so true to himself no matter what is thrown at him. He always puts himself first.
My heart does not ache during the day. I am kept idle with television, music, books, my cell phone, and other things man created to dull the constant dribbling of his mind. I find myself in a storm every night. I toss and turn. Nights I lay to bed alone I just cry. I know the decision I made was smart for my future, in terms of education and advancement in my life but in terms of what makes my heart light and gay? I made the wrong choice. I made a stupid and selfish choice. I wanted to rip that demon girls heart right out of her chest like she did to me, and I wanted him to feel the loss of attention like I did the day I found those msn conversations many many months ago.
I feel as if I am his Frankenstein.
[Update: I do love him. My love just weakens everyday that goes by that a change is not made. It's like fighting a dragon with a head that constantly grows back. You know that zit that you pop that is gone for a day and then reappears in another spot? This is what it feels like; I fought for a dying cause. Maybe I am wrong. I have talked to him. We actually had our first real and full conversation. Maybe it can be saved. I mean we have been through so much already. Shouldn't we be able to get through this too?]
The past week I find myself having the same dream over and over. I will not share the dream right now, unless y'all ask. I will only share what I learned from this dream.
When I wake up I try not to think of this dream but earlier I was forced to figure it out. I was listening to this song on the Wicked soundtrack and the meaning of my dream was pushed upon me. The song is called "Thank Goodness" and this is the part that helps me figure out my dream:
"And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?"
Two weeks ago if you would have asked me if I had everything I wanted, I would have smiled and loudly exclaimed that I did. Second guessing is horrible in this situation. I participated in some actions that I am not proud of now. At the time I thought it was smart, because I thought I was going after the right thing. I destroyed another girl's heart for something I thought I wanted. She would have taken him for everything he was, is, and will never be. I keep thinking he'll be something better. I always forget how people will not change for you, they change for themselves. The girl's parents are now making her life hell because I leaked everything hoping she'd feel an ounce of what those two made me feel.
Where did it get me though? I got everything I wanted. I have him. I am far away from the people I used to work with that treated me like dirt. I am away from the place I gave my soul. I am miles from the family I have never felt a part of. I now have a family I feel like I belong to. I am going to school starting Tuesday. I am getting everything I wanted, and to top that off I have the man I scream out that I love.
I heard it took at least a month to get him to the point of asking her out. That same day that they started dating was the day I broke up with him. She thought I was the one that was going through hell. I want to ask her so badly: who really got cheated on? It was not me. I may have heard them screw each other but I was single. I may have been hurt at first. I mean the audacity on both their parts was tremendous. Then I have realized that I never went through what she had to go through. She was the one played. I was never played the way Jon played her. I made sure she knew it.
Oh it was terribly easy. She was foolish and left a trail that could connect crimes to her. She let her hatred for me sing to loudly to Jon. I was so quiet and so skillful in my deeds that it almost scared me. I would give her the shovel and the casket; she finished herself off.
It was too easy to make me happy in the end. For now I realize, he was not the prize I wanted. I loved him. I do not anymore. He is a comfort level. I enjoy his company, both decent and under the sheets. I stopped putting my faith in him. The more his parents talk to me, the more I realize that he is unchanging. He is this wretched constant. I hate him for it, yet I envy how he can stay so true to himself no matter what is thrown at him. He always puts himself first.
My heart does not ache during the day. I am kept idle with television, music, books, my cell phone, and other things man created to dull the constant dribbling of his mind. I find myself in a storm every night. I toss and turn. Nights I lay to bed alone I just cry. I know the decision I made was smart for my future, in terms of education and advancement in my life but in terms of what makes my heart light and gay? I made the wrong choice. I made a stupid and selfish choice. I wanted to rip that demon girls heart right out of her chest like she did to me, and I wanted him to feel the loss of attention like I did the day I found those msn conversations many many months ago.
I feel as if I am his Frankenstein.
[Update: I do love him. My love just weakens everyday that goes by that a change is not made. It's like fighting a dragon with a head that constantly grows back. You know that zit that you pop that is gone for a day and then reappears in another spot? This is what it feels like; I fought for a dying cause. Maybe I am wrong. I have talked to him. We actually had our first real and full conversation. Maybe it can be saved. I mean we have been through so much already. Shouldn't we be able to get through this too?]
2 comments:
I use to dream (and sometimes still do) that I would marry Johnny Depp!
Thank you for the lovely comment you left on my latest entry.
I may have already said this to you before and if I did, it's because it's worth repeating, your words are filled with such deep emotion. Truly terrific!
And I agree with what you said about Family Day, it does defeat the whole purpose.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
What I get through all of this is that you don't really know exactly what you want. But I don't think anyone does. Well, at least you ripped that demon girl's heart out, right? Always got to look at the bright side.
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