Barely Escaped Death

Let me begin with one simple statement: FUCK WYOMING! (you will find out later)

Jonathan and I worked out our problems (joy to the world, the cheating is over) and now we are doing extremely well. Better than we ever have, in fact. Guess that other girls gapping vagina (well actually he claims it was extremely tight but y'all probably didn't want to know that. too bad i'm all about the details!) helped me out. Haha, I am just trying to make light out of a very crazy situation.
Anyway, we decided to move to Illinois because that is where his family lives and we figured that his family (being less psychotic than mine) could help us both out. Now that we are here it is great. We are both enrolled in ged courses and will be getting our high school diplomas finally. I will be learning how to drive and will get his younger brothers car, and we will both go to college and have an actual career. (no more chicken and tacos bullshit. fuck fast food!)

Problem is: getting to his parent's place was hell. In all seriousness, I ALMOST DIED IN WYOMING.
Snow, ice, freezing to death, cars driving too fast = washington & oregon.
I wake up in the car on the second day of our trip and see white. That is all I can see. White roads, white land, white shit flying in front of us. I go into 'overly paranoid mode' (thanks mom for teaching me how to overly flip out whenever i want!) and grip the door handle and just stare. (yes, i know i am such a woman. how the hell is that door handle going to save me? it is beyond me, but the need is still there.) I keep quiet because Jon has not slept yet and I really didn't feel like fighting with the exhausted driver (did i want to die? no.) All of a sudden, the semi that WAS very far ahead of us starting braking. Jon goes to brake and cannot (thanks icy roads) and it becomes a: swerve into the other lane though we cannot see the oncoming traffic or lose our heads because we are in a lowered car and that semi is at a complete stop. I scream and he chooses option one. Crashing (after making a one-eighty) into the opposite side of the road I start bawling.
"Oh my god a car could hit us."
"Oh my god we are going to get trapped in a snow coffin."
"Oh my god my door won't open."
*sob repeat sob*

Why Jon didn't smack me, I don't know.

(he is sitting here right now bitching though:
"i did yell at you to calm down though!" he is so jealous he doesn't have his own blog. pssh.)

ANYWAY JONATHAN LET ME CONTINUE:
(insert a choke-hold & then a "you're an ass" and yes, this is the loving side of him....i am so not getting any tonight....)

I am crying.
Car is stuck.
Jon is stressed.
Wow.
I have never really been in a car accident before.
Well, kind of but I was definitely in a position where I could just leave at any time I wanted.
Not this time, fuck we couldn't leave if we wanted to (and with my weak bladder I WANTED TO!)
Some guy comes up to our window and tells us he'd help us but he can't. Kudos asshole, I did not want to know what you would do only what you can do.
Luckily for my sanity (which there was ... none left at this point), an old couple in a truck waves us over. We exit the car (him like a normal person, me climbing over the center console and getting out of his side) and can barely walk. It is so unbelievably windy that I am sliding back towards the car. I cannot even fully open my eyes because of this damn wind. I started thanking myself for being overweight and then realized that Jon was almost in the car and then cursed my weight for holding me back (he is the weight of my fourteen year old sister. how the hell did he not get blown away?) and making this way too difficult. Alright, so I am in the car and we are chatting with these old people. Okay, Jonathan is talking to the old folks and I am texting my best friend about how I just nearly escaped death. (i know drama never ends for me) An hour later, we are still in the damn truck smashed up against each other and I smell something disgusting. I swear someone farted. (Jon just fessed up so now the mystery is solved....i think for more blog attention he keeps talking....it's not like i don't already write about him in every damn post now he wants his own "insert jonathan's personal thoughts" too? jeeez. i don't have the patience for this.) Ten minutes later, Jon decides we should wait with the car.


THREE HOURS LATER: (yes, this event reached about FIVE HOURS!) i have peed my pants, cried, smoked, yelled, texted too many people bitching, bitched at Jon, felt embarrassed because i actually peed my pants, cursed the gods of traffic for this dilemma, and then finally all the semis in front of us start moving. Praise sweet baby Kanye (..um i'll explain the Kanye/God thing in a later post) I will be out of this fucking mess in no time.
We go to stay at a room in a town five minutes away. Yeah too bad all the rooms are full and there are semis everywhere and I do think that the whole state of Wyoming and everyone in it lost their minds.

Two more hours later: I am in a hotel in Rock Springs stuffing my face with a chicken sandwich from Sonic and watching Psych (i cannot decide which one of those boys i like better. threeway please? i can't believe there wasn't a comment from the peanut gallery next to me......) and hoping to get some.

It was a traumatic day and I seriously thought I was going to die.



Again: FUCK WYOMING.




& i missed y'all & will be catching up on y'alls blogs again soon:]