Understudy

Demonic dreams distancing deliverance,
blacking out the friction and lies.
Plot re-writes lead to cement smiles.
Misspelled name calling and the heart breaks.

Creak creakk

Cccreak

Creak

Caught on fire in a thunderstorm,
now who can brag?
Swirl the logic but I cannot drown.
Loss of hope did lead to distress.
I hurt myself, I will confess.
Stage is open and there’s my cue:
No understudy, tonight I’m on.

Awaken

weaker i once was
those sweet words stuck,
like taffy to my hungry ears.
knees breaking at the bend.
swooning for the untouchable.
always letting me down,
yet i remained disillusioned.


the alarm goes off,
hazy eyes, limb so stiff.
write it off a cold,
ignore the truth again.
this will get bigger,
and prayers seem futile,
but the awakening will come.

Short

bvt better than nothing right?


To keep it simple so I do not get harassed:

I finally have a damn job.
I am no longer unemployed.
Thanks Target.
(and i'm not even starting over at min. wage ... hello relief)
&& I am probably going to have a second job also.
(hello spare cash/future car)


I will update more soon.
Sorry I have been a bag of assholes.
I am just either busy or sick.
More soon.
(& i'm going to catch up on y'alls too!)
=]



ps: Thanks Chloe! I appreciate the compliment. I try to keep it real.

Maternal Affection

You have all heard about my 'Jonathan deserves a chance today/I must leave Jonathan for good now' dilemma. How one moment I am ranting about the new men I can find in my life. Then, how (sometimes) not even an hour later I will blither on about how astounding Jonathan is and how I cannot go on another day without him. Annoying right? My on and off-ness is dreadfully annoying. This is even getting on my own nerves now.


I am in Florida meeting his mother. On the very first day, while Jonathan is taking a nap, his mother looks at me and says, "What is with this underage girl he fucked?" A.) She is about, I don't know, almost fifty years old. B.) I do not even know if I should call her by Jeanette or Mrs. Miller. C.) Jon's father has not asked me a damn question about Jonathan's indiscretions so I have no idea what is appropriate to say. I look at her and say, "What do you want to know?"

J: Tell me everything because I know my son never talks to me, and if he does I am not sure if it is lies or not.
*now silence because I do not know where to begin*
H: I do not know where to begin.
J: Go for it.
*insert depressing story on the last -almost- three months of my life*
J: Why are you still with my son?
H: I love him and I can't just turn it off. Sometimes, I wish I could.
J: *talks about Jonathan's father*
H: I just keep thinking maybe he will change. Maybe he will love me and be good to me.
J: He has been this way, for what? Oh yes, he has been this way for t w e n t y s e v e n y e a r s ...... He is not changing. That's what I think anyway.
H: You really think that? He is not going to change?
*inserts lies from Jonathan's past*
H: Fuck.....
J: I like you. You aren't as crazy as Glenn (father) and James have said.
J: Yes, G and J tell me all this stuff that Jonathan says to them, apparently.
*insert all the things Jon, might be, saying about me*
H: What?!
J: Yes, Glenn warned me that you are leeching off of Jonathan to better yourself and after James met you he said he was not impressed.
H: You have to be shitting me!
J: No shitting here.
H: I am not crazy. Maybe crazy for loving his damn son. In fact ... (this is where I blither on about all the things I did to help Jonathan out) ..... (it is long)

*dramatic pause*


*more dramatic pauses*

Alright, so the conversations ends with another "leave my son" and I am just very confused. I do not know what to say. What can one say after that wealth of information I received. A leech? Get real! I am getting angry again just thinking about what is family, mother not included, thinks of me. Of course, I go to talk to him about it and he denies that his father and brother think anything horrible of me. Then, I think of how my family has treated him. My mother was always polite and kind to him. She treated him as if he were the best man I had chosen. My father is a different story because any man is wrong for me. Also, my sisters have never said anything bad about Jonathan. The only time my family has been rude about Jonathan was after they found out about him and that Amanda girl thing. It really hurts. I keep looking for the pros of being with Jonathan but the cons are making the search too difficult. I do not want to question why I am with someone. I want to just know the guy is right for me. I think, maybe...just maybe, I am starting to see that Jonathan might not be right for me.


If there is good in everyone, like I have always thought, then why is this man so cruel to me? Why does he constantly say hurtful things about me behind my back? Why, when I bring up what I am feel, does he blow me off? Why would he beg me to come back to him if he does not truly love me?

I do not mean to lament and go on about my love life or my relation-shit (fuck Dane Cook) but
I just had to vent before I went to bed. Please do not be harsh in comments, saying you leave one. I wanted to get my feelings off my chest before I went to bed.

Sunshine State

Sorry I haven't updated.
I have about six pages of my story completed.
I am in Florida up until the eighth.
I had to meet Jon's mom.
We hit it off superbly.
We have a lot in common and she gave me all the dirt on Jonathan and his family.
Good to know.
(for the most part)
But I am going to soak up more of the wonderful Florida sun before I am stuck back in the freezing Illinois cold.


Next post should include the beginning of my story.
:]