Confusion.
Y'all let me come back.
I thought we were fixing everything.
Why, after a week and a half, is there now second guessing?
Using.
Is this the word you really thought depicted this properly?
It was not how I viewed it.
It is not what I was doing.
Mistakes.
We have all made them in this home.
There have been words said that should not have been.
Things have been done that should not have been acted upon.
If I am wanted out, I will leave.
This time though, if I am really getting kicked out,
I will not come back.
The cord will be cut.
I will not live like this.
Monday, January 28
Yo-Yo
triumph.
baggage.
joy.
rage.
this yo-yo situation is bending at the cracks.
the fall will not end in a soft landing.
every move is carefully watched.
guarantee
disappointment.
love.
regret.
another storm inside my mind.
the logic process seems forgotten.
looking around for the delete button.
undo.
redo?
shaking.
calm?
hung.
release?
baggage.
joy.
rage.
this yo-yo situation is bending at the cracks.
the fall will not end in a soft landing.
every move is carefully watched.
guarantee
disappointment.
love.
regret.
another storm inside my mind.
the logic process seems forgotten.
looking around for the delete button.
undo.
redo?
shaking.
calm?
hung.
release?
Saturday, January 26
Blast From The Past
Wow.
After a year or more of silence.
After a year of more of nothingness.
All the colors got soaked down and you entered.
It is the wrong time.
I am a new person.
Yet you still understand me completely.
We spoke as if a day had not passed.
I laughed a full laugh.
I even smiled a bit.
The flowers bloomed in my soul,
and the wishes came back to shore.
Oh boy.
Oh you, the one I have a full blue notebook of writings about.
My sixteen/barely seventeen year old self yearns.
My face brightens when my phone rings.
One hour.
Two hours.
Three hours.
Neither of us can get off the phone.
Dawn breaks and we must go.
Either tomorrow or tuesday,
depending on my new schedule,
we will meet.
I am scared.
Less scared, more excited.
I want nothing more than a nice friendship.
You call me the girl who got away.
Things are strange.
Stranger than anything my imagination could concoct.
After a year or more of silence.
After a year of more of nothingness.
All the colors got soaked down and you entered.
It is the wrong time.
I am a new person.
Yet you still understand me completely.
We spoke as if a day had not passed.
I laughed a full laugh.
I even smiled a bit.
The flowers bloomed in my soul,
and the wishes came back to shore.
Oh boy.
Oh you, the one I have a full blue notebook of writings about.
My sixteen/barely seventeen year old self yearns.
My face brightens when my phone rings.
One hour.
Two hours.
Three hours.
Neither of us can get off the phone.
Dawn breaks and we must go.
Either tomorrow or tuesday,
depending on my new schedule,
we will meet.
I am scared.
Less scared, more excited.
I want nothing more than a nice friendship.
You call me the girl who got away.
Things are strange.
Stranger than anything my imagination could concoct.
Thursday, January 24
Quick
Eeeeek.
I don't have much time but here is the gist.
GOT THE JOB!
[i will start after i get my food handlers card, again.eww.]
Decided to start communicating with kids I went to high school with.
[i got over the fear of the 'dropout' talk. no one has brought it up either.]
An old friend I miss dearly called me today.
[we have plans on saturday now.]
I think I am calling off my hot date tomorrow.
[bc it's with my ex & i should not be an idiot....]
An old (major) crush of mine contacted me today.
[said i was looking 'bomb' ... don't laugh. it's a compliment of sorts.]
&& I got a random check in the mail from my old work.
[hell yes, now my bills can be paid & i can afford my habit still.]
I am having some luck.
I like this:]
I don't have much time but here is the gist.
GOT THE JOB!
[i will start after i get my food handlers card, again.eww.]
Decided to start communicating with kids I went to high school with.
[i got over the fear of the 'dropout' talk. no one has brought it up either.]
An old friend I miss dearly called me today.
[we have plans on saturday now.]
I think I am calling off my hot date tomorrow.
[bc it's with my ex & i should not be an idiot....]
An old (major) crush of mine contacted me today.
[said i was looking 'bomb' ... don't laugh. it's a compliment of sorts.]
&& I got a random check in the mail from my old work.
[hell yes, now my bills can be paid & i can afford my habit still.]
I am having some luck.
I like this:]
Excitement
I cannot sleep, for once, due to excitement.
I have an interview at three.
I have already lost some weight from working out.
My hair is growing back nicely from the extensions chaos.
I have some hot plans for friday.
& I will NOT miss this week's episode of Ugly Betty.
(missing two in a row have almost killed me lol.)
So hopefully I will sleep soon.
I have a big day ahead of me.
:]
I have an interview at three.
I have already lost some weight from working out.
My hair is growing back nicely from the extensions chaos.
I have some hot plans for friday.
& I will NOT miss this week's episode of Ugly Betty.
(missing two in a row have almost killed me lol.)
So hopefully I will sleep soon.
I have a big day ahead of me.
:]
Monday, January 21
Planted Feet
" Used to be all of me, but it's all on the bitch now
They wanna get me stuck, they comin' into my world
It's too late I got, my wife, my bitch, my girl"
balance beam mocking.
this time there is no victory.
no award, no celebration.
there is no joy.
why are you still standing there?
foolish feelings choking.
in my head, it is caving in.
desperately attempting a turn around.
why are you still standing there?
oh empty promises.
oh glorious day i await.
i hear the drone of queen bee.
right path, right choice, right move.
i follow in a robotic trance.
tears kept inside now.
why are you still standing there?
They wanna get me stuck, they comin' into my world
It's too late I got, my wife, my bitch, my girl"
balance beam mocking.
this time there is no victory.
no award, no celebration.
there is no joy.
why are you still standing there?
foolish feelings choking.
in my head, it is caving in.
desperately attempting a turn around.
why are you still standing there?
oh empty promises.
oh glorious day i await.
i hear the drone of queen bee.
right path, right choice, right move.
i follow in a robotic trance.
tears kept inside now.
why are you still standing there?
Sunday, January 20
Help Me Untie This
her soft gasp for air haunts me.
in the silence of the twilight,
i can hear what you told me not to.
her similar face i see in the mirror.
in the burning of high afternoon,
i quietly scream at myself to be her.
regardless of the smiles,
sometimes i have to hide.
in the corner of this new dwelling,
i cry out to a god i have no faith in.
asking him, pleading with him,
to make me forget just this situation.
even though i claim to hate you.
no matter how much i promise myself,
that you will be put into my past.
every time you call,
you know i'll answer that phone.
and for that, i am ashamed.
in the silence of the twilight,
i can hear what you told me not to.
her similar face i see in the mirror.
in the burning of high afternoon,
i quietly scream at myself to be her.
regardless of the smiles,
sometimes i have to hide.
in the corner of this new dwelling,
i cry out to a god i have no faith in.
asking him, pleading with him,
to make me forget just this situation.
even though i claim to hate you.
no matter how much i promise myself,
that you will be put into my past.
every time you call,
you know i'll answer that phone.
and for that, i am ashamed.
Saturday, January 19
Back To Reality
I have to keep this short because I have to finish my laundry, unpacking, and then get some sleep finally.
In a nutshell, the man that I thought loved me did some vile horrible things to me. I called my mother begged her to give me a second chance. I am living with my parents again. I am going back to school to get my ged, then a tech school to get a skill for a decent job, then to college to become a history (or english) teacher. I have barely any rules (except learn how to become independent) and I can even smoke. My mom is going to teach me to drive, and she is encouraging my writing (for once). I do not blame myself for what happened between me and my ex. I think we had equal shares in the 'not working out' category but everything else that happened was his fault and I know I did not deserve it. I am taking a break from men until I am happy and stable. I am not going to obsess about everything that happened in this past week and a half. I may bring it up in a later blog, if y'all insist. I will start reading y'alls again in a few days and get caught up. I am sorry, just a lot has happened.
Now I have to go because I am thirsty, need a smoke, and have some chores to finish.
In a nutshell, the man that I thought loved me did some vile horrible things to me. I called my mother begged her to give me a second chance. I am living with my parents again. I am going back to school to get my ged, then a tech school to get a skill for a decent job, then to college to become a history (or english) teacher. I have barely any rules (except learn how to become independent) and I can even smoke. My mom is going to teach me to drive, and she is encouraging my writing (for once). I do not blame myself for what happened between me and my ex. I think we had equal shares in the 'not working out' category but everything else that happened was his fault and I know I did not deserve it. I am taking a break from men until I am happy and stable. I am not going to obsess about everything that happened in this past week and a half. I may bring it up in a later blog, if y'all insist. I will start reading y'alls again in a few days and get caught up. I am sorry, just a lot has happened.
Now I have to go because I am thirsty, need a smoke, and have some chores to finish.
Thursday, January 17
Fuming
"Gored beyond all measure, nothing sensible. Everything ugly and finished" -Charles Bukowski
Why do I cnostantly feel the need to hide my emotions when those feelings are not pleasant ones. Why do I have to hide from my pain? Why do I have to lower my voice? Why can I not just be able to feel exactly what I am feeling for once? I am sick of being guilty for having vicious thoughts run around my mind. I am sick of being ashamed of my own emotions. Maybe I do not always want to smile. Maybe I do not always want to sit in a pretty manner and hold back what I really want to say. I can accept that rage, anger, and wrath are human emotions. Maybe somedays I feel like a rabid dog and I need to let it out otherwise I know that it will build and I do not want to explode one day. I do not want to do vile things outside of my mind.
Self-control they tell me. It is self-control I need. I am barely a fucking adult and maybe some of the things I have been through make me pissed off beyond sensibility. Instead of taking it out on the world I take it out on myself physically. I cut for almost six years of my life instead of just screaming. Just kicking something. Just releasing it all.
I will be the first to admit that the cutting was not healthy. I knew what I was doing was wrong but it felt so fucking good. That rush and relase of pain (even though it was only temporary) felt beyond ecstacy.
"Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud." - Kathryn (Cruel Intentions)
The scars made me think of how I overcame things in my life. It made me feel as if I had an ounce of freedom. That maybe for once in my life I was able to control something. I have realized now that the cutting is not healthy. IT took a long time to realize this fact. Yes, I still want to (more than ever now). It makes me believe that I am strong and I can learn how to overcome ordeals and tradgies in my life without resorting to the fresh cold metallic grace of the razor. As you can tell it is on my mind, but I sit here letting it out instead of doing it.
Now I am ranting, but I feel better. With eyes shut tightly, I can actually sit here and express the way I feel without censoring myself. It is a better kind of freedom than cutting. It really is.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!" -Sir Walter Scott
How many lies do I have to hear in such a short period of time? I have become a person who believes that the majority, the vast majority, of lies are completely unacceptable. Lies hurt. Lies ruin. Lies build. When one lie is let out other lies pour out to keep the initial lie going. What is the point? Then, one ends up hiding from and covering up so many things? How do you love a liar? What is true then? What was real? What was not?
Better question: How much pain can someone withstand before the breaking point is reach and the 'right choice', that was there the whole time of course, becomes the choice that person makes?
Why do I cnostantly feel the need to hide my emotions when those feelings are not pleasant ones. Why do I have to hide from my pain? Why do I have to lower my voice? Why can I not just be able to feel exactly what I am feeling for once? I am sick of being guilty for having vicious thoughts run around my mind. I am sick of being ashamed of my own emotions. Maybe I do not always want to smile. Maybe I do not always want to sit in a pretty manner and hold back what I really want to say. I can accept that rage, anger, and wrath are human emotions. Maybe somedays I feel like a rabid dog and I need to let it out otherwise I know that it will build and I do not want to explode one day. I do not want to do vile things outside of my mind.
Self-control they tell me. It is self-control I need. I am barely a fucking adult and maybe some of the things I have been through make me pissed off beyond sensibility. Instead of taking it out on the world I take it out on myself physically. I cut for almost six years of my life instead of just screaming. Just kicking something. Just releasing it all.
I will be the first to admit that the cutting was not healthy. I knew what I was doing was wrong but it felt so fucking good. That rush and relase of pain (even though it was only temporary) felt beyond ecstacy.
"Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud." - Kathryn (Cruel Intentions)
The scars made me think of how I overcame things in my life. It made me feel as if I had an ounce of freedom. That maybe for once in my life I was able to control something. I have realized now that the cutting is not healthy. IT took a long time to realize this fact. Yes, I still want to (more than ever now). It makes me believe that I am strong and I can learn how to overcome ordeals and tradgies in my life without resorting to the fresh cold metallic grace of the razor. As you can tell it is on my mind, but I sit here letting it out instead of doing it.
Now I am ranting, but I feel better. With eyes shut tightly, I can actually sit here and express the way I feel without censoring myself. It is a better kind of freedom than cutting. It really is.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!" -Sir Walter Scott
How many lies do I have to hear in such a short period of time? I have become a person who believes that the majority, the vast majority, of lies are completely unacceptable. Lies hurt. Lies ruin. Lies build. When one lie is let out other lies pour out to keep the initial lie going. What is the point? Then, one ends up hiding from and covering up so many things? How do you love a liar? What is true then? What was real? What was not?
Better question: How much pain can someone withstand before the breaking point is reach and the 'right choice', that was there the whole time of course, becomes the choice that person makes?
Wednesday, January 16
Choice
Growing up with parents who have been married for nineteen years should make you feel differently about love. They started dating when they were sixteen. Then, they married at eighteen. Now they are both in their late thirties and still together. Sounds great doesn't it? Trust me, their marriage is anything but great.
For, at least, ten years I have seen my mother cry. I have seen my father claim he is never coming back. My mother has told me about the cheating. My father has told my mother he does not love her. I have seen too much since I was, about, nine. You would think I would learn from all of this?
I do not want to be like my mother. I do not want to try to convince a man to love me back for the rest of my life. I would rather lose someone I love and hopefully find a new love later on in life. I like to think it is never too late. I always told my mother that.
Yet, here I am (in all the infinite wisdom a person of my age believes they posses) laying in the arms of the man I love that I am not with anymore because he has feelings for someone else. This girl is out for him too. She has written him a poem. Jon had enough nerve to tell me she is a 'writer' and she is, basically, better than me. Ouch, that hit a sensitive spot. Twenty minutes later, we are holding each other kissing.
It is hard to lay there next to him and listen to him snore, while holding me, wondering if he is dreaming of her. I know they talk all the time. They have even kissed once, on sunday when they worked together. They worked together again today and all day I had to sleep so my mind would not flip out. I know they are not dating. I know that much, but still. I cannot take this.
Tonight, I decided not to sleep in the same bed as him. I go into the other room and turn on my zune (eh, fuck zune) and the first song that comes on shuffle is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. If that song does not hit home.....
So now i'm thinking: maybe I should move back in with my folks. Maybe I should fix some of the mistakes I made while I am still young and have time. Maybe I should just give up on him now before the wounds get any deeper. I do not know. I am so half and half on this. I am really confused, yet I am so sick of spending all day crying. Or pretending that I am really okay. I know in the future I will be okay, but right now it's shit.
For, at least, ten years I have seen my mother cry. I have seen my father claim he is never coming back. My mother has told me about the cheating. My father has told my mother he does not love her. I have seen too much since I was, about, nine. You would think I would learn from all of this?
I do not want to be like my mother. I do not want to try to convince a man to love me back for the rest of my life. I would rather lose someone I love and hopefully find a new love later on in life. I like to think it is never too late. I always told my mother that.
Yet, here I am (in all the infinite wisdom a person of my age believes they posses) laying in the arms of the man I love that I am not with anymore because he has feelings for someone else. This girl is out for him too. She has written him a poem. Jon had enough nerve to tell me she is a 'writer' and she is, basically, better than me. Ouch, that hit a sensitive spot. Twenty minutes later, we are holding each other kissing.
It is hard to lay there next to him and listen to him snore, while holding me, wondering if he is dreaming of her. I know they talk all the time. They have even kissed once, on sunday when they worked together. They worked together again today and all day I had to sleep so my mind would not flip out. I know they are not dating. I know that much, but still. I cannot take this.
Tonight, I decided not to sleep in the same bed as him. I go into the other room and turn on my zune (eh, fuck zune) and the first song that comes on shuffle is "Because of You" by Kelly Clarkson. If that song does not hit home.....
So now i'm thinking: maybe I should move back in with my folks. Maybe I should fix some of the mistakes I made while I am still young and have time. Maybe I should just give up on him now before the wounds get any deeper. I do not know. I am so half and half on this. I am really confused, yet I am so sick of spending all day crying. Or pretending that I am really okay. I know in the future I will be okay, but right now it's shit.
The song that just got stuck in my head: "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash.
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