Rejuvenate

I was watching American Beauty and Lester Burnham inspired me. Yes, the man who jacks off in the beginning of the movie in his shower inspired me.

Most people spend their whole lives talking about what he/she wants, what he/she is going to be, and what he/she wishes. I am tired of lying scissor-shaped in bed and wishing of a different life. Why can I not have this different life? I have made changes, for another, in my life. These changes took me a very lengthy amount of time to realize but I nonetheless made them.

In the movie, American Beauty, the character Lester tells the audience in the beginning that he is going to die within the coming year. He goes from living in this stale life where he is practically in a coma to being happy, confident, and looking and doing what he wants. If an older man can change his life in less than a year, why can I not? I am only nineteen. I have youth on my side. I am in this isolated, boring place and I have so much time on my side it is not even funny.

The place I want to be, if I make that my final decision, I would not even be leaving to for about, at least, four months. I have no distractions, besides working. I have no one to bring me down, only a person trying to support me. I have, again, time and a lot more to spare. Most of all, I do not have to focus on anyone else but me.

I learned, in the past two years, that I need to focus on myself. I need to make myself happy otherwise my negative edges will only sharpen and begin to deflate myself and others around me. I took some time yesterday to really ponder what would make me sparkle and shine. I have a list; I have goals; I have a plan.

I will be so much better than before. I will do what I told myself in December I would do. I have made it through the storms. I want to feel sunshine again, and I will.

"I'm just an ordinary man with nothing to lose." –Lester Burnham

Playplace

Who thinks I am insane for having a strong fear of the tubes in a McDonald's playplace?
I would like everyone to put their hand's down now.
Thank you.



I am wiping up the drink station for, probably, the twentieth time
in the hour and my one of my asistant managers (No, not Mr. McCrush.
He, sadly, did not work today.) told me to go into the playplace and
ask the parent in the bathing suit where the accident is.
I, naively, assumed that it was a soda spill or a ketchup packet
that was squashed with a tiny shoe and left spilling its guts on the floor.

I was wrong.

The woman looked away from me when she said,
"I am sorry but my child peed somewhere in the
play tubes. I would clean it up but I can not go inside of them."

(The woman is shorter than me and carries less weight on her bones.)


I had to clean up PEE in the tubes.
The tubes I fear.


In case you are wondering, someone else works in the lobby
with me but she is in her sixties.
I could not have asked her to go inside the play tubes.
If she was even twenty years younger I would have asked.
I am that much afraid of the tubes.

Within five seconds of being inside the tubes I start
to feel like I am trapped and I know a panic attack is coming.
There is a strong smell of little kid feet, sweat, and piss
in the tubes.
I struggle to navigate my way through wondering how in
the hell I did it when I was younger.
My knees are on fire.
The panic attack hits before I find the pee.
A child stares at me while I try to calm down.
I move my hand just a millimeter forward to steady
myself and a wet sensation hits my palm.
Fuck, I just put my hand in some little kid's piss.
I start to gag.
The random child continues to stare at me, figures
out what just happened and cracks up laughing.
I, with as much politeness as I can muster at this point, ask
the child to please exit the tubes while I clean.
The child obeys and then tells the other children
outside of the playground from hell that "the McDonald's
working up there is playing in piss so we can't go up".



So I guess today I played in piss.
I deserve way more than minimum wage.

McCrush

Oh I fall yet again for the adorable eyes of an assistant manager.

I have a McCrush on my assistant manager Jeff.
I just started working there last week.
Today was my fifth day of work.
We have worked together everyday.
He makes me smile.
I have not really smiled, honestly, in quite a few months.
My favorite part of the McCrush is that he is married.
I can just like from afar.
There is no worries.
No flirting.
No possibility.
Just a sweet fantasy.


In other news:

I want a tattoo; needles freak me out.
My vision has been extremely blurry for the past four months; free clinic trip is scheduled for Thursday.
I am struggling to read "Rant" (Palahniuk); I have only make it through thirty pages.
Jon actually took me to see Sex and the City the other day; we did not fight.
(The great thing about being friends is there is less fighting.)

HUMAN

I contradict.
I fail.
I speak honestly.
I rise above.

I miss.
I cry.
I think clearly.
I move on.

I have too much passion, at times.
I have too many fears, sometimes.
I have an unhealthy desire for justice, everyday.
I have a thing I carry around, everyday.

I let some of my past get to me.
I dream of a greater future.
I worry about what is, ultimately, pointless.

I love with blind faith,
or with eyes wide open.
I hate with blind reason,
or with logical fever.
I trust a very select few,
yet still feel alone.
I question the world,
yet let new people in.

I strive to be the best I can,
but always remember I am human.

COME

gripping the sheets --
oh silent love,
making us all jesters --
force those legs open,
god may not come.

escape --
the lovers laugh in sync,
gasping for more skin.
let us feel new again;
our sins will not be punished.

this place,
more like a prison.
shackles left on the floor,
cause the heart rules no longer.
good means naught now;
god may not come.

Zombie

Finally I arise back from the dead to start posting again.
I was gone.
I was sad.
I hid myself in a tiny hole and threw giant pity parties.
Oh joy.

So here's the nit grit:
I have a job that I plan on keeping this time.
Me and Jon are done for good.
I am in Illinois living with Jon and his parents until I save up money to move out.
I am a tad bit happier.
Me and my mother are getting along better.
I want two tattoos and no longer have a tongue ring.


Okaaay.
That's all I can think of right now.
I will look at y'alls blogs soon.
Sorry for being dead for a while.

=]

Understudy

Demonic dreams distancing deliverance,
blacking out the friction and lies.
Plot re-writes lead to cement smiles.
Misspelled name calling and the heart breaks.

Creak creakk

Cccreak

Creak

Caught on fire in a thunderstorm,
now who can brag?
Swirl the logic but I cannot drown.
Loss of hope did lead to distress.
I hurt myself, I will confess.
Stage is open and there’s my cue:
No understudy, tonight I’m on.

Awaken

weaker i once was
those sweet words stuck,
like taffy to my hungry ears.
knees breaking at the bend.
swooning for the untouchable.
always letting me down,
yet i remained disillusioned.


the alarm goes off,
hazy eyes, limb so stiff.
write it off a cold,
ignore the truth again.
this will get bigger,
and prayers seem futile,
but the awakening will come.

Short

bvt better than nothing right?


To keep it simple so I do not get harassed:

I finally have a damn job.
I am no longer unemployed.
Thanks Target.
(and i'm not even starting over at min. wage ... hello relief)
&& I am probably going to have a second job also.
(hello spare cash/future car)


I will update more soon.
Sorry I have been a bag of assholes.
I am just either busy or sick.
More soon.
(& i'm going to catch up on y'alls too!)
=]



ps: Thanks Chloe! I appreciate the compliment. I try to keep it real.

Maternal Affection

You have all heard about my 'Jonathan deserves a chance today/I must leave Jonathan for good now' dilemma. How one moment I am ranting about the new men I can find in my life. Then, how (sometimes) not even an hour later I will blither on about how astounding Jonathan is and how I cannot go on another day without him. Annoying right? My on and off-ness is dreadfully annoying. This is even getting on my own nerves now.


I am in Florida meeting his mother. On the very first day, while Jonathan is taking a nap, his mother looks at me and says, "What is with this underage girl he fucked?" A.) She is about, I don't know, almost fifty years old. B.) I do not even know if I should call her by Jeanette or Mrs. Miller. C.) Jon's father has not asked me a damn question about Jonathan's indiscretions so I have no idea what is appropriate to say. I look at her and say, "What do you want to know?"

J: Tell me everything because I know my son never talks to me, and if he does I am not sure if it is lies or not.
*now silence because I do not know where to begin*
H: I do not know where to begin.
J: Go for it.
*insert depressing story on the last -almost- three months of my life*
J: Why are you still with my son?
H: I love him and I can't just turn it off. Sometimes, I wish I could.
J: *talks about Jonathan's father*
H: I just keep thinking maybe he will change. Maybe he will love me and be good to me.
J: He has been this way, for what? Oh yes, he has been this way for t w e n t y s e v e n y e a r s ...... He is not changing. That's what I think anyway.
H: You really think that? He is not going to change?
*inserts lies from Jonathan's past*
H: Fuck.....
J: I like you. You aren't as crazy as Glenn (father) and James have said.
J: Yes, G and J tell me all this stuff that Jonathan says to them, apparently.
*insert all the things Jon, might be, saying about me*
H: What?!
J: Yes, Glenn warned me that you are leeching off of Jonathan to better yourself and after James met you he said he was not impressed.
H: You have to be shitting me!
J: No shitting here.
H: I am not crazy. Maybe crazy for loving his damn son. In fact ... (this is where I blither on about all the things I did to help Jonathan out) ..... (it is long)

*dramatic pause*


*more dramatic pauses*

Alright, so the conversations ends with another "leave my son" and I am just very confused. I do not know what to say. What can one say after that wealth of information I received. A leech? Get real! I am getting angry again just thinking about what is family, mother not included, thinks of me. Of course, I go to talk to him about it and he denies that his father and brother think anything horrible of me. Then, I think of how my family has treated him. My mother was always polite and kind to him. She treated him as if he were the best man I had chosen. My father is a different story because any man is wrong for me. Also, my sisters have never said anything bad about Jonathan. The only time my family has been rude about Jonathan was after they found out about him and that Amanda girl thing. It really hurts. I keep looking for the pros of being with Jonathan but the cons are making the search too difficult. I do not want to question why I am with someone. I want to just know the guy is right for me. I think, maybe...just maybe, I am starting to see that Jonathan might not be right for me.


If there is good in everyone, like I have always thought, then why is this man so cruel to me? Why does he constantly say hurtful things about me behind my back? Why, when I bring up what I am feel, does he blow me off? Why would he beg me to come back to him if he does not truly love me?

I do not mean to lament and go on about my love life or my relation-shit (fuck Dane Cook) but
I just had to vent before I went to bed. Please do not be harsh in comments, saying you leave one. I wanted to get my feelings off my chest before I went to bed.